There’s only 25 weeks remaining of the 2025 NRL season.

 

Look, the football was terrible, but we knew that already. I went and did the “How well do you remember the 2000s” quiz on PARRA+ to feel better, and if memories of two grand final losses and wasting the prime years of Nathan Hindmarsh’s career is what you’re using to cheer yourself up, how bad are you going?

No, I’m here to talk about this:

Human eels pic.twitter.com/gZz8zYBn74

— Parra Eels Facts (@ParraEelsFacts) March 17, 2025

As if the performance of the Eels wasn’t giving kids enough nightmares, the club is going to subject them to this? If you were going to make some kind of hybrid Eel footballer, couldn’t we at least go for something slippery that could break a tackle? These look like they dine on the souls of the young. Actually, considering the Eels usually crush the souls of the young, maybe this is an improvement? Still, I haven’t seen something this offensive in Blue and Gold since, well, Sunday afternoon.

 

If they keep this up, I can throw this section and the “Good” into the cupboard to gather dust with “X factor”. Nobody deserves accolades after that, even ironic ones.

 

 

 

I’m still optimistic about the future for Isaiah Iongi, but ain’t nobody shining in a putrid, stinking swamp of a performance like this one.

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As a Panthers-lite outside back, Russell is doing okay, but given the number of tries scored down that Russell/Penisini corridor, maybe we need to go back to the anti-Panthers style and leave our outside backs some energy to defend.

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Another performance like this and Will Penisini is getting crossed off my “would still feed” list. Looking at the names left that I deign to deserve dinner, the cost of living crisis isn’t going to be bothering me.

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He’s working hard, but I don’t know that we signed Zac Lomax for yardage work, he needs some space to attack and some catchable high balls to leap for.

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It’s a shame he had to debut in such a bludger of a game, but in another life we’re talking him up after that performance. Good yardage, tough running, bounced up from getting spun on his head, and while I was worried about his defence, it was the other side with the specialist winger and “defensive” centre that were the biggest problem.

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Until such time as I deem fit, Dylan Brown’s grades are going to be listed in the dollar value or equivalent I think such a performance is worth. Yesterday was worth a signed photo of the 2013 Parramatta Eels, that for some reason Ricky Stuart signed 13 times.

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The Tigers came close to doubling the kicking metres of the Eels, while somehow also making more metres and enjoying more possession. It’s not Ronnie Volk’s fault that his gazillionaire halves partner won’t help him out, but in the end he’s wearing the grade for the result.

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If you are going to kiss an opposition player to taunt them, how about you make sure they aren’t going to beat you by 26 in front of your home fans, hey?

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Hands gets an F for “forward pass”, because he sure does like to throw them. The second game rookie is getting 55 minutes on the field to his 25, which says it all about how 2025 is going for Brendan Hands. He might play Joey Lussick out of the doghouse at this rate.

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As far as inspirational leaders go, Junior Paulo’s efforts the last two weeks are up there with my year 10 touch footy coach, who started his half time address in a grand final we were losing 5-1 to Northmead High with “I think this one’s past you, boys”. 

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Another guy in the “not the problem” bucket, which is only going to get you a D+ today because hey, we just inherited the mantle of most embarrassing team in rugby league from the Tigers, it’s the second week of the season, and we had to sit through the hottest March day in recorded history (stat not verified) for the privilege of watching it happen.

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I thought Shaun Lane was really putting in for those early stages, a couple of tough runs, an offload, he looked like he wanted to be there. Then it might’ve been the 36 degree heat, the fact he barely had a pre-season, or that we spent the better part of 20 minutes dropping the ball, but I think he had one touch in the second half, and a paltry six for the game. If he was keeping himself fresh for defence it didn’t exactly work, as he missed 5 tackles, too.

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Hopgood does a lot of those little things that coaches love: kick pressure, support efforts, relentless defence. He also does a lot of those little things fans hate, like making 3 handling errors in a game, so let’s call it a wash and only just avoid failing him today.

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Ryley Smith looks the goods, making him the first and only person with an unnecessary Y in their name on my “feed” list. 

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I joked last week about Doorey being ready to earn a start, but given the effort and impact of his short stints, I might be serious about it this week. 

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Kautoga may not have started the game, but he put up starter numbers. Unfortunately that starter was Shaun Lane, who touched the ball 6 times to Gideon’s 7. These impact players need to start going looking for work.

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It wasn’t high impact work, but he made 9 runs in 20 minutes and looked willing enough that I’d feel bad giving him a D.

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Now I know why some Detroit Lions fans would go to games with bags over their heads. Sadly I don’t see any near term end to the embarrassment. Unless the coaching staff can get the team to respond soon, we’re in for a historically ordinary year. Given it is the second week of their tenure, it’s not great signs. 

Stay slippery, Eels fans.

Gol

Stats and images provided by NRL / Eels media